A Little Bit High

Insanity has manifest in me; it corrupted every single cell in my body.  I hallucinate every second, and every day. Many days of torture and delight, I tried to stop yet it came back. Should I really stop this corrupted delight or this sinful delicacy? People thought that I am normal, a regular person, yet they don’t know that I am a statute of insanity. How this insanity began? I don’t know. Should I end it? I don’t know. Can I tell you? I don’t really know if I can.

Dead flowers and streams of cuddly stuffed-toy bear; kiss the morning light by looking at her eyes. I can’t believe this feeling I have towards her, why is this? I haven’t experience this dreadful delight in my lifetime. It’s so miserable to experience this magical feeling, every time I see her it’s like the world stops and her pathways are full of stars and her face brightens up like the morning day. I always imagine looking at her eyes, holding her hands, and seeing her smile. I just want to be with her forever somewhat that is the downside. I can’t have her, I can’t see her always, and she had her choice. I have displayed all of my love to her. Now I really understand the song “Now” by MYMP. “Loving is not owning, you can let me go…” Love is a choice between the two parties, it’s my choice to love her it’s her choice to love me back. She didn’t choose to love me back, and I respect that. Love can exist even it is one sided, yet that perhaps the hardest love we can experience but it may be the most delightful too. You can’t force someone to love you, for love is something that is decision with the mind and the heart.

“Love consists in this: not that we loved God but that he loved us
and sent His One and Only Son into the world to be the
propitiation for our sins.” -1^st John 4:10

The best example of a one-sided love is God’s love for us. If you have read the bible cover to cover, you will just see a picture of a guy deeply in love with a prostitute (like Hosea’s story). God portrayed His love by letting Hosea (His prophet to the people) marry Gomer (a prostitute). We can see in the consecutive verses that Gomer was unfaithful to Hosea but you will see how God’s one-sided love been shown to Gomer (allegorically Israel) through Hosea and spoke to their children (the next generation of Israelites).

“I will take you to be My wife forever, I will take you to be My wife
in righteousness, justice, love, and compassion. I will take you to
be my wife in faithfulness, and you will know Yahweh… I will sow
her in the land for Myself, and I will have compassion on
No Compassion (or Lo-ruhamah); I will say to Not My People
(or Lo-ammi): You are my people, and he will say,
’You are My God.’” –Hosea 2:19-20,23

I can describe this love as quite insane, because if you know that you will marry a prostitute and love her with all of your life and still you know she will be unfaithful to you. It will just be a tiring process and an endless cycle of hurt in the lover’s part not to the prostitute; but that’s how God loves us! Even He knows that after seconds I will sin, He still loves me and still want me to be his wife. This is how amazing God’s love can be.

“But God proves His own love for us in that while we were
still sinners, Christ died for us!” –Romans 5:8

One word from this verse made a huge impact in how I view God’s love for me. The word “While” While I was still doing drugs, while I was killing people, while I was sexually harassing people, while I was cursing Him, while I was proving that He didn’t exist, while I was lying, while I was peaking for answer on my seatmate’s test paper, while I was eating people, and I don’t know your “While…”’s one thing I can assure you Christ died for you while you did those things. While we were unfaithful to Him still He was faithful to us, while we were cursing Him; He blessed us. I just remember how God’s compassion with those who are lost. Jesus actually told a parable that blows my mind; the parable of the lost sheep. Its mind blowing because of its illogical math, 1 is greater than 99. The Shepherd left the 99 just to find the sheep that wondered off on the flock. What if the Shepherd came back with that sheep and saw that 54 were left, yet He didn’t thought about that. He just thought about searching that one lost sheep.

I’m so thankful serving a God that isn't always or will evaluate my performance if I meet His standards (If that happen I won’t even score a thing). He is a God of compassion; joy, peace, justice, grace, and love. He doesn’t require me of anything; I don’t need to do anything to gain his satisfaction or His happiness. He is already pleased and happy with me. I’m just here to proclaim this Gospel (I’m actually not required to do it but I do it because I just want to it was my choice and He respected me with it). God has made me righteous not even my sins can remove me from my righteousness because it’s not my works that I was made righteous.

Insanity is not too bad after all; perhaps we actually should have a little dose of it once in a while. Radical love isn’t our love for Him but His love for us, a love that we can choose to respond or not. I’m still hoping she will choose me… <3